Friday, January 25, 2013

Pivotal Praying

From Lynn's book, which is to say from the book Pivotal Praying, by John Hull & Tim Elmore, p.26.  Can I tell you, Blogworld, that I just flashed back to Mrs. Horton's 8th grade English class and how to properly write a citation?  Pretty sure I haven't written one since 1997!

A Pivotal Prayer When You're In Crisis

God, I cry out to you.
The news that's just hit me is so hard to bear.
I don't know what to do.
I'm angry, I'm hurt. I'm confused.
So, Lord, I call out to You.  Please hear my prayer.
Give me strentgh to get through this mess.  Help me to make wise choices
and not to say something that will
just make things worse.
Please, don't let this thing get any worse than it is.
And God, help me not to do anything stupid.
This is going to take a long time to get through;
and right now, I do't feel like I'll ever get on top of it.
So, here it is, Lord.  A big mess.
Thank You that You're here to show me
how to clean it up.

Now you can have your book back, Lynn, since I just told you I was taking it, with no real return plan.  When you gave it to me, I was still too broken to even read it, let alone pray it.

This prayer is for me, three or so days ago, if you are worried about my mental heath.  And it's here now just so I can find it later.  I imagine when I find out more timeframes next week, I'll need it again.  My head is on straight again and I am a functional member of society. 

I know just from the surgeon that this is one long ugly road with lots of surgical scars.  The oncologist will decide if we chemo or slice & dice first.  The advantage to chemo first (going against the "I need to get this out of my body urge") is the ability to determine what the tumors respond best to.  If you cut them out, it's best guess.  If you leave them, poison them, and re-scan them, you see them shrink a lot or just a little and change drugs appropriately.  Whichever is first is well above my medical education level, but I am learning fast.  Maybe when it's all said and done, I won't feel so dang uncomfortable and lost in my Bone Marrow Transplant patients charts.  Back to me, there will be 6 weeks of 5x/week radiation following the chemo & surgery tango.  Then, we can talk about how you restore the body of a 38 year old who never did look like Cindy Crawford, another 4 week or so recovery time.  And somewhere in there, there was talk of the ovary I have left and whether or not it comes out and when. I can't remember if it was related to the then-pending HER2 results or the genetics and BRCA 1 & 2 drawn yesterday.  16 years in critical care and I am lost; my gosh I can't imagine the feelings magnified with no medical background.

Tomorrow, life goes on, kinda like normal.  Scout stuff.  Sunday: church, clean house, prep for the week ahead.  Monday: WORK!!  while I still can, and wait for the phone to ring.  Tuesday, I'm on the work schedule, but it's too far to see.

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