Thursday, May 16, 2013

Fantastic Friday

Because I am bored with Thankful Thursday.

Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for God's blessings, but I need a new theme.

It will be a Fantastic Friday.  It's the last chemo, hopefully of my lifetime, but who knows but God?

Forgive me if I am not completely excited about it.  It is great to be able to ring the bell tomorrow.  I can't wait for some celebratory girl-time with Beth and Lynn.  Maybe a margarita even? 

But I know I still have a week of feeling like roadkill. Of pain meds every couple hours, hoping to sleep it off and wake up feeling better, but I will stop the good drugs on Thursday just to clear my head for work by Saturday.  And it could be months to years or never for my hands and feet to recover real sensation.

One more week, and those awful wacky labs will start to climb back toward normal.  My hemoglobin and hematocrit will inch back up slowly, helping my energy and endurance.  I will gain back energy, a little at a time, just in time to be smacked down by some anesthesia.  Win some, lose some.

One more really hard weekend at work, regardless of the workload.  Truth be told, the sups have been very good to me on the weekends, and the workload and geography of a large hospital has been light.  It's the only way I have made it through.  Today, I had a crazy busy assignment, and I was worn by the end of my 8 hours.  Or maybe it's because I clocked 40 hours this week - an accomplishment, just to prove I still can.

I know I have to get through surgery and recovery.  I laugh and make jokes about my upcoming boob job, but there will be some emotion to take me back to stupid cancer tears again, I am sure.

I know I still have radiation.  Daily for 6 weeks.  Plus work weekends equals time at the hospital 12 days out of 14.  That's a grind for this part-time girl!

I will miss my first Komen walk as a survivor.  My sister, mom, nieces and kids will walk for me.  I will be sitting in a new recliner, trying to behave myself after surgery.  Pretty sure Tom should duct-tape me in it.

This week, Angelina Jolie announced she had preventive mastectomies after testing positive for brca.  Hmm.  Somebody else announced that women under 50 should not have routine mammograms.  Double hmm.  Genetic testing is $3000 out of pocket (thank you, insurance!).  Mine was negative.  If you gave me $3000 six months ago, I would not have thought to use it for a blood test.  A mammogram did not find my cancer.  I did.  Good for Angelina Jolie.  I am glad for any publicity for breast cancer, I think.  However, now is it going to become trendy to have bilateral mastectomies as prevention, not as post-diagnosis treatment?  Routine mammograms?  They find a lot of stuff that isn't cancer but has to be biopsied "just to be sure," especially in the under 50 crowd.  I would still get mine if I were anybody else.  I wonder for a tiny second if I am overkilling it with cutting off the good breast, but only for a tiny second.  I am certain I don't want the plastics doc reconstructing a saggy, 2 kids fed, weight gained and lopsided breast.  I am absolutely certain I don't ever want to face chemo again, and really, 8 rounds is pretty tame and easy in the cancer world.  I don't want to imagine a longer, rougher regimen, and there are plenty of folks doing it for months or years or lifetimes.

Random thoughts spilling from my head on a Thursday night.

Let's make it a Fantastic Friday, and ring the bell!

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