Justin

What a weekend. Friday was a great family day hiking, even if I can't figure out the video and am too tired to care anymore. Saturday and Sunday were just work. We are all struggling with a new computer system hospital-wide and were all crabby, but it wasn't horrible.

This morning... there was an email (ok, several!) from church about the pastor's son. He committed suicide in the wee hours of the morning, at their home. Twenty one years old, with the struggles of not liking college, not knowing what he wanted to be when he grew up, dating on and off again with another girl from church, finding a job, getting his EMT license and most recently deciding to go to Paramedic school. Nothing awful in my 35 year old head, but rough to a 21 year old.

I did not know Justin well, but I liked what I saw. He was a great young man, struggling a bit to find his way, but generally on the right path to being a happy, bill-paying, productive young man with a bright future. He loved music, and loved rocking the praise band at our contemporary service. He could rock at 8:30 am on a Sunday, and had plenty of energy to do so. He was a child of God. He loved music, loved God, and loved helping others. He loved his truck, his family, his friends.

And now, my heart breaks for Debbie, his mom, and Chris, his brother. Justin has gone to be with God, deciding (for whatever reason we may never know) it was a better place for him. Deb and Chris are left to pick up the pieces of their hearts and the pieces of their lives and fit them back together not into what they were, but into something different, for Justin took with him the life they all knew yesterday.

Today, we went to the zoo. What else do you do? While their world has fallen apart, the rest of the world still continues to rotate on it's axis, and my children do not understand that I just want to cry and hold them and keep them safe from monsters and the dark and growing up. And so Tom was superdad while I intermittently melted. Evan asked how they knew it was Justin and not a bad guy, and I am a little ticked at Justin for making me explain this whole thing to my highly intelligent but anxious kid. I was asking Evan in the car on the way to the zoo if he wanted to go to church with me to a prayer service for Justin and Debbie...
Me: "But Debbie won't be there tonight."
Evan: "Why not, Mom?"
"Because she is very sad."
Colby: "Is she sad because she lost her little boy?"
"Yes, she is very sad because she lost her little boy."
Colby: "Did she love that boy?"
"Yes, she loved that boy very much."

As I love my boys, and God loved Jesus and Justin and the rest of us sinners, she loves Justin and Chris.

I think the thought of losing my boys, of burying one of them, is what is bothering me the most. To plan your child's funeral. To not be able to go to their room and find comfort in the rocking chair that I have spent so many nights the last 7 years in. Debbie can't find comfort in Justin's room at the moment. And I'm a little ticked at him for taking that away from his mom. Dammit Justin, you were still a newbie EMT, but I'd have thought you had seen enough to not do it at home!

Kleenex, please...

And that prayer service? It was packed tighter than Christmas Eve. He had no idea how many lives he touched. I am sure Deb's not ready to deal with much right now, but I hope she and Chris felt the love overflowing from the middle of town to the west side. As a pastor, her role is to comfort and support us. She has been a rock in times of need, a voice of reason in insanity, a hug, kleenex and prayer in sorrow. We all want to comfort her now, but it's a little crowded and she needs space.

The echo from the prayer service to the many many young kids in high school and recently graduated was to choose life and find help. Choose life. Choose life, and the folks around you will support and walk with you through any struggle. I hope Holly, his girl, can begin to choose life again as her pain heals. That Debbie and Chris can choose life, one day or one hour at a time, whatever time frame they can deal with.

A small town mourns for many things. A young life lost. Warning signs unseen, left to be second-guessed by all. A pastor hurting beyond belief. Her church grieves with her.

Giant City - Marion, IL

This is from a day trip we took on Friday to a State Park near Carbondale. I'm not sure when Labor Day became a 4 day weekend, but it was for our kids this year. The "extra" is a family friend from church. His family is in the middle of garage sale-ing, selling house, and moving to DC in the next month, so I am happy to watch him to keep his parents from packing him in a box! We had a great time, with lots of science lessons from Eagle Scout Tom. And if you listen, there's a great comment from Evan about how old the rocks are - a million years old, or at least 40!


Eight hours later, the video hasn't uploaded. We'll work on that later!

Ketchup, or Catsup, or Catch-up

Sometimes, I am just way behind in life.Colby found a friend in Yogi!

We went on vacation in July - what a great veg time. Tom told me I could not make an itinerary for anything. I could not make menus for meals. I could simply enjoy it as it rolled out. That was a little scary. We drove 2 cars with Tom's mom and dad and their camper. "Home" was Jellystone campground in Cave City, KY. We explored Mammoth Cave, Dinosaur Land, a wax museum, swam, went down the camp waterslide, wagon hayrides daily, crafts, part of a movie outside, roasted smores, ate lots of fast food as well as grilled, and had a great time! There was rain every single day in the forecast, but only 2 nights did it actually come down. There were 6 of us in the camper, and we still like each other. Tom and I are drooling looking at buying one again. That was the whole point of us buying the truck 5 years ago, and maybe just maybe when we don't have 2 car payments, we'll find a camper payment instead. He was looking at new ones, I was looking at Craigslist, but by the time we really get around to doing anything, the new ones will be craigslist-ed!

My 3 favorite boys after 7 or so flights of stairs up, and 2 miles of walking in the cave.

Watching the ducks at Jellystone pond.

School starts tomorrow for Evan - 2nd grade, and so it has been the last-minute rush to do all the things we haven't done yet. It was T and E at Six Flags last week, and E, his buddy and me at Raging Rivers yesterday, and Chuck E Cheese (Charles the Rat) today. Colby has another 10 days or so before Rainbow preschool T-Th mornings, and speech at SIU-E on M-W isn't until September. He went to the doc for his school physical, and guess what, he has an ear infection. Since he's completely asymptomatic, I opted for the chiropractor and probiotics instead of antibiotics. We'll see how that looks in 10 days.

This weekend is a subdivision garage sale at my mom's, so we'll spend the weekend there while Tom rearranges and does some finish work on the kitchen - drawer handles anyone? I have more cabinet space than I have had in my life, and the most inefficient use of it, so he's in charge of doing a better job than I have thus far. It shouldn't be hard for him.

Clouds & Rockets & Hammers

We were driving home from errands yesterday, and my small son noticed the light, puffy, fair-weather cumulus clouds in the sky.

Mommy, what made the clouds there?
God made them, but it's really water vapor in the sky.
No, did a rocket? Made the clouds come here? Cause rockets make clouds in the sky.


He is also exploring the origins of life. He knows babies grow in mommy's tummies, so he assumed that we swallowed a baby to make it grow. I didn't really correct that thought for a while, but we have talked about my friend Tanya miscarrying twins, and delivering one at home. I had to explain how the doctor had to cut me to get them out, but not Tanya. Are you confused yet? We have now discussed that us girls have a special hole for babies. aack, how do I explain this to a 3 year old, and what does he really want to know? Where is your father for these conversations in the dark at night, going to sleep?
Me - Ok, God made a special hole for babies to grow in and come out of.
C - Did he use a hammer to make a hole?
Me - No, I am pretty sure a hammer would hurt.
C - Then how did he make a baby hole?
Me - God makes us perfectly, with all the parts and holes we need.
Time to change the subject, please!

And Tanya has a beautiful baby boy who is almost a year old. It's interesting to me that Evan remembers how upset I was by her miscarriage 2+ years ago, and Colby remembers us talking about her. Memories like an elephant!

From the Mouth of a Boy...

As we were driving home from E-ville yesterday after speech, in construction, on the shoulder of the interstate, driving on the "rumble strip"...

Colby said, "Mommy, the car is farting!"

Followed by hysterically funny laughter from the back seat. I loved it! Does a car full of girls have these discussions?

We got his hearing test done yesterday, as well. He can hear, although his right ear is worse than his left. Not surprising, as it doesn't have the tube anymore, and has had 3 infections since Christmas. But he probably hasn't been able to hear sounds clearly so didn't learn to say them clearly. Now, we have to retrain him and his stubborn brain about how to make sounds correctly. What fun. He is getting better, but it's hard for me to tell since I have been the one translating his whole life. But there aren't as many blank stares when he's talking to others.

A Boy and His Dad

We stayed home today. No pool, no speech, no park. Just home. Which means the yard is trashed, the kids were sandy from the sandbox and wet from the sprinkler and dirty from the grass. And Tom came home from work and a trip to Home Depot.

Colby was done playing outside, so I took him in for a shower/ sandblast.

Evan stuck his head in the door "Mom?"
Tom: "Mom's washing Colby. What do you need?"
Evan: "Never mind."
Tom: "What? Why is it never mind if it's me?"
Evan: "Uh, it was a bad idea."

Ok, so if it was a bad idea, ask me and I might say yes? But you know your father will say no? Heck, I just might have said yes to whatever it was.

I love raising children!

My new toy

A friend at the pool had a new toy 2 weeks ago. I wanted it. I mentioned it to my techno-geek husband, and he ordered it for the 10 year anniversary of our first date. That was July 2, for anyone who is interested. He loves me... It's a Flip video recorder. Now I can torture the 2 of you who read this with video of my kids! Or you can just ignore it. I realized how little video of Colby we have, and thought this might help that situation. He is the second kid, after all.



Full screen, this is not nearly as pixel-ed as it is on my blog. And I still have some exploring to do on how to edit and get pictures from the video...