I promise, there will be some thankfulness later in the day. The days get better, more or less. Docs later today, then prolly family time to process their news, and Thankful Thursday in the tradition of two of the blogs on the blogroll, Walk in the Parks - my friend and co-worker, Jeremy (hey, go find his indiegogo thingy and toss him some $$ for me, please!) and Ronnie Sharp, who I have not met in person, but is a mover and shaker in the CF world. If I run out of steam tonight, then maybe it will be Thankful Friday.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
1/22/13... what I know today
So, the blog address is out in the public. Sometimes I write for the rest of the world, and sometimes it's just for me and the rest of you are along for the ride. Hang on, cause it's gonna get bumpy. But if you're here, you've figured that out already.
I know that insomnia sucks. Benadryl at 2 am is equally awful, at least at 7 am. How bout some Tylenol PM about 5 minutes after dinner?
I know I love to fall asleep listening to Tom read The Hobbit to the boys at bedtime. One of the few perks of a tired mom with the same bedtime as my boys and a small house.
I know that I have made it through exactly 1 phone call not in tears today. That is one more than yesterday. And it was my mom, who swallowed her lumpy throat more than once. Progress.
I know that I really like purple more than pink. I don't own a thing pink! Maybe I will learn to wear it graciously. Maybe not.
I know my support system is bigger than cancer. I just wish I wasn't taking all of the rest of you down this path with me. It sucks, and I hate the collateral damage.
I know 5th grade moms are awesome, and 1st grade moms are growing on me. Hey, we've had 4 less years to bond, gimme a break. I am sorry to be the one who introduces your boys to cancer and heads shaved in solidarity. Once again, the collateral damage.
I know that lunch kidnappings are a good thing, and should happen regularly. Last week I was fully independent, worked closer to full-time than part-time, and managed my own life. This week, the biggest broken part is my head. Next week is too far away to predict, but I am afraid of the isolation and already miss the lunch table gossip. And perhaps the paycheck, too.
I know my kids are well taken care of, even if school won't let me put on their registration form "Who can we release your child to?" "Anyone who has my cell # programmed into their phone."
I know I am not going to Google the information on the pathology reports, at least not yet.
I know tomorrow I will wear my contacts, and feel better, and cry less, cause normal matters.
I know we go to see the surgeon on Thursday, and map out a plan to move forward rather than run in place. Feel like a gerbil going nowhere.
I know that this is God's plan, cause it certainly isn't mine! And He will walk it with me, and Jesus already walked it for me.
So, the blog address is out in the public. Sometimes I write for the rest of the world, and sometimes it's just for me and the rest of you are along for the ride. Hang on, cause it's gonna get bumpy. But if you're here, you've figured that out already.
I know that insomnia sucks. Benadryl at 2 am is equally awful, at least at 7 am. How bout some Tylenol PM about 5 minutes after dinner?
I know I love to fall asleep listening to Tom read The Hobbit to the boys at bedtime. One of the few perks of a tired mom with the same bedtime as my boys and a small house.
I know that I have made it through exactly 1 phone call not in tears today. That is one more than yesterday. And it was my mom, who swallowed her lumpy throat more than once. Progress.
I know that I really like purple more than pink. I don't own a thing pink! Maybe I will learn to wear it graciously. Maybe not.
I know my support system is bigger than cancer. I just wish I wasn't taking all of the rest of you down this path with me. It sucks, and I hate the collateral damage.
I know 5th grade moms are awesome, and 1st grade moms are growing on me. Hey, we've had 4 less years to bond, gimme a break. I am sorry to be the one who introduces your boys to cancer and heads shaved in solidarity. Once again, the collateral damage.
I know that lunch kidnappings are a good thing, and should happen regularly. Last week I was fully independent, worked closer to full-time than part-time, and managed my own life. This week, the biggest broken part is my head. Next week is too far away to predict, but I am afraid of the isolation and already miss the lunch table gossip. And perhaps the paycheck, too.
I know my kids are well taken care of, even if school won't let me put on their registration form "Who can we release your child to?" "Anyone who has my cell # programmed into their phone."
I know I am not going to Google the information on the pathology reports, at least not yet.
I know tomorrow I will wear my contacts, and feel better, and cry less, cause normal matters.
I know we go to see the surgeon on Thursday, and map out a plan to move forward rather than run in place. Feel like a gerbil going nowhere.
I know that this is God's plan, cause it certainly isn't mine! And He will walk it with me, and Jesus already walked it for me.
Monday, January 21, 2013
A week since I last posted, and a lifetime. Biopsy was Wednesday, Jan 16. 12 samples taken. Positive for cancer. The armpit lump is indeed a lymph node, with cancer, so that means metastatic disease.
Today, we told our kids. They were unfazed. Excited at the thought of being able to shave their heads with me.
Today, we told our families. My mom, with the history, and my sister with her. My dad, having danced this dance with 2 wives, one who didn't beat it. My sister-in-law, the first of the family told, with whom I can pick up from a month of not talking like we saw each other yesterday, not 500 miles between us. Tom's family, cracking jokes all along, as I was out of tears by then.
Today, we told our kids teachers, hoping they will protect & love on them when I am down.
Today, we ate pizza and played video games at Incredible Pizza, holding onto a sense of normal for our boys on a long holiday weekend.
My boss, who told me I couldn't work tomorrow. She understands my kids are cuter than she is, and puts up with me anyway in the balance of work and life. They have raised me at work - 14+ years, from a not-quite-new single grad through a sort-of workplace relationship (my locker partner set me up with her brother) and through 1 kid, infertility, finally the 2nd kid, now entering into the tween years
And our church and our friends, loving and holding us, praying us through this season.
The grief comes in waves with the re-telling of the story. I need to move on from that place and onto Chapter 2. I am fumbling with the boxing gloves and cancer-kicking boots, not unlike Colby learning to tie his shoes in kindergarten. But I will get there soon.
I should have an appointment by the end of the week with the Barnes/WU folks. There is no place I would rather be treated. With it will come an MRI and CT, surgery, chemo and radiation, all in short order. Probably within 2 or so weeks. The whirlwind begins.
Today, we told our kids. They were unfazed. Excited at the thought of being able to shave their heads with me.
Today, we told our families. My mom, with the history, and my sister with her. My dad, having danced this dance with 2 wives, one who didn't beat it. My sister-in-law, the first of the family told, with whom I can pick up from a month of not talking like we saw each other yesterday, not 500 miles between us. Tom's family, cracking jokes all along, as I was out of tears by then.
Today, we told our kids teachers, hoping they will protect & love on them when I am down.
Today, we ate pizza and played video games at Incredible Pizza, holding onto a sense of normal for our boys on a long holiday weekend.
My boss, who told me I couldn't work tomorrow. She understands my kids are cuter than she is, and puts up with me anyway in the balance of work and life. They have raised me at work - 14+ years, from a not-quite-new single grad through a sort-of workplace relationship (my locker partner set me up with her brother) and through 1 kid, infertility, finally the 2nd kid, now entering into the tween years
And our church and our friends, loving and holding us, praying us through this season.
The grief comes in waves with the re-telling of the story. I need to move on from that place and onto Chapter 2. I am fumbling with the boxing gloves and cancer-kicking boots, not unlike Colby learning to tie his shoes in kindergarten. But I will get there soon.
I should have an appointment by the end of the week with the Barnes/WU folks. There is no place I would rather be treated. With it will come an MRI and CT, surgery, chemo and radiation, all in short order. Probably within 2 or so weeks. The whirlwind begins.
Monday, January 14, 2013
HPI - History of Present Illness
Tom started a new job in early December. I spent most of December with the typical cough, cold, sinus crud, trying not to go to the doctor since we had insurance, but no insurance cards. Gee, a headache & hassle. New Year's Eve, my arm pit was tender. Hmm, a lymph node swelling now from the sinus crud? I put my head in the sand, bought a little time & went to my mom & sisters. Five cousins together for two whole nights... priceless! I think my mom is still recovering.
We came home, I worked the weekend, and noticed on Monday that my ring & middle fingers sensation was off, like I had been out in the cold, but my hand wasn't cool to touch. Tuesday was not any better, so I knew I couldn't wait around for insurance cards anymore. I called on Wednesday morning and had an appt for 830, a mammogram & ultrasound done by 1130. That, Folks, is why I like community medicine. The mammogram showed a second spot as well to be dealt with.
Now it's Monday, January 14. My mom had her first mastectomy this week (it was my brother's birthday) in 1986. We watched the Challenger explode over and over again after school when she was recovering, laying in my parents bed with the TV and cable, tears streaming. Her second was Easter week 1992, my Senior year.
Saw the surgeon today. He tried to aspirate the big bothersome one, with no fluid return. Not what we expected. It's big, it's superficial, ya can't miss it! And he didn't, trust me. Its tender and bruised now. 18 gauge, inserted twice. I could have used a bullet. So we roll into an ultrasound guided needle biopsy on Wednesday for the one I can feel and the one I can't. Ask me Thursday if I am going to work. He said I could. It's not even conscious sedation, so I can drive home. No, thanks, I think I will take Tom. And maybe that bullet to bite that I didn't have today.
What I know about the little one is that it looks like a cyst, but has irregular borders, ~ 1 cm. Pea sized. Who likes peas, anyway?
What I know about the big one is that it is 5 cm, moveable, hard, not fluid filled.
Nobody except me has jumped off the cancer bridge, and I don't go far into that dark corner. The boys know nothing until there is something to know. I love school & working part-time! Tom took the lunch (several) hour to go to the doc with me today, and fixed the always comforting grilled cheese (with an apple and water, Leslie!). I have lost 17 lbs, been kinda stuck there, and have to weigh in tonight. I refuse to let this derail WW this time around.
And that is the HPI.
We came home, I worked the weekend, and noticed on Monday that my ring & middle fingers sensation was off, like I had been out in the cold, but my hand wasn't cool to touch. Tuesday was not any better, so I knew I couldn't wait around for insurance cards anymore. I called on Wednesday morning and had an appt for 830, a mammogram & ultrasound done by 1130. That, Folks, is why I like community medicine. The mammogram showed a second spot as well to be dealt with.
Now it's Monday, January 14. My mom had her first mastectomy this week (it was my brother's birthday) in 1986. We watched the Challenger explode over and over again after school when she was recovering, laying in my parents bed with the TV and cable, tears streaming. Her second was Easter week 1992, my Senior year.
Saw the surgeon today. He tried to aspirate the big bothersome one, with no fluid return. Not what we expected. It's big, it's superficial, ya can't miss it! And he didn't, trust me. Its tender and bruised now. 18 gauge, inserted twice. I could have used a bullet. So we roll into an ultrasound guided needle biopsy on Wednesday for the one I can feel and the one I can't. Ask me Thursday if I am going to work. He said I could. It's not even conscious sedation, so I can drive home. No, thanks, I think I will take Tom. And maybe that bullet to bite that I didn't have today.
What I know about the little one is that it looks like a cyst, but has irregular borders, ~ 1 cm. Pea sized. Who likes peas, anyway?
What I know about the big one is that it is 5 cm, moveable, hard, not fluid filled.
Nobody except me has jumped off the cancer bridge, and I don't go far into that dark corner. The boys know nothing until there is something to know. I love school & working part-time! Tom took the lunch (several) hour to go to the doc with me today, and fixed the always comforting grilled cheese (with an apple and water, Leslie!). I have lost 17 lbs, been kinda stuck there, and have to weigh in tonight. I refuse to let this derail WW this time around.
And that is the HPI.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Gazelle
My word for 2012. Dave Ramsey's Gazelle focus. Intensity. Purpose. Planned.
I have tossed out a plan for Summer/ Fall 2014 for building our house. This will require Gazelle intensity and focus. Mostly full-time work hours on my part. $37000 gone in 36 months. Damn Dave Ramsey, he is going to ruin my life, but only temporarily. Money and food issues go hand in hand, so maybe if one is under control, the other might fall in line more as well. If I am at work more, I can't randomly munch at home during the day. If I am at work more, I don't ride the evil bike, but certainly get in 10K a day in steps. If I am at work more, I am earning more, we can get some elbow room sooner and the dog that the boys want sooner. Gazelle intensity to achieve some goals before age 40...
I redid the boys' room yesterday. One side is blue, the other tan. Gone are the bunk beds, in their place 2 twins, foot-to-foot. Their first night held T & S as well as E & C. Still, our boys like to have someone else next to them. E says he wants his own space, C didn't at all. We are so so lucky that our boys don't fight (yet). They fight the bad guys together. Not me-vs-you, but us-vs-them. E wants a 3ds, so a trip to Gamestop to trade in his dsi and a few games. "I can't trade that one in, cause C still likes to play it, even thought it's my game." I love that boy!
I have tossed out a plan for Summer/ Fall 2014 for building our house. This will require Gazelle intensity and focus. Mostly full-time work hours on my part. $37000 gone in 36 months. Damn Dave Ramsey, he is going to ruin my life, but only temporarily. Money and food issues go hand in hand, so maybe if one is under control, the other might fall in line more as well. If I am at work more, I can't randomly munch at home during the day. If I am at work more, I don't ride the evil bike, but certainly get in 10K a day in steps. If I am at work more, I am earning more, we can get some elbow room sooner and the dog that the boys want sooner. Gazelle intensity to achieve some goals before age 40...
I redid the boys' room yesterday. One side is blue, the other tan. Gone are the bunk beds, in their place 2 twins, foot-to-foot. Their first night held T & S as well as E & C. Still, our boys like to have someone else next to them. E says he wants his own space, C didn't at all. We are so so lucky that our boys don't fight (yet). They fight the bad guys together. Not me-vs-you, but us-vs-them. E wants a 3ds, so a trip to Gamestop to trade in his dsi and a few games. "I can't trade that one in, cause C still likes to play it, even thought it's my game." I love that boy!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Another day on the bike. Little bit of Christmas shopping. Competing schedules at work. Ready for vacation. Evan is reading Tom's books now, so a little break from the library. Love recycling like that! Colby is picking up words from school & seeing them at home, so reading will start soon for him as well. We are still struggling with 2 yr old screaming, kicking, pouting temper tantrums & behavior. More & more time-outs as I am not willing to deal with it. Come back out when you can cope, C. Clothes are another source of frustration - too itchy, cut the tags out, he can't stand jeans. A day in the life.
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